The Feel Me Poem

City lights neon clatter

Fucking type what I said

We both speak as we listen

On the other side of the partition

These conversations are always best undressed, free of arbitrary thoughts

Who’s to say what is and what’s naught 

Who’s to guess and who’s to dream

If you leave again, I’ll scream

Into the wind,

Apart the flame. Into the kite 

A run from it’s string. 

A cry into the night is all I’ll bring

What makes you think you’ll cry?

Stringing me along, can you even try? I want to die. 

I’ll resuscitate you

And I’ll kick you til I’m blue…can’t say it isn’t true

Fuck it all, undo

Like the cries in the night? Her eyes filled with fright

She’s confused, it’s the light

As she burns in the bright rays, her skin tight

Taught, wrist bound but soul not

She pulls and tugs, but her blood does not clot

But touch can repair all that is not

Touch repairs her wounds, but not what’s in her heart
By Rev. Brenna Carnevale & Richard Huggins, RN


How Adulting Almost Killed Me…

For the past couple of days, I have been wracking my brain thinking about what I was going to write about this week. Then, I almost got in a car accident yesterday and I’ve been a wreck since. 

I have found my topic. 

I hate the rain. Detest the cold, wetness when it soaks into my clothes and dampens me through my skin, straight to my bones…instantly. 

Yet, somehow for some reason, I was energized by the rain and decided to  do some adulting. So, I did the dishes & laundry, then went to the grocery store. 

Everything went perfectly at the store, even though I forgot my grocery list at home. I did my best to remember what I needed, and, thankfully, remembered the most important items. 

Loading the groceries in the car and putting the carriage in the corral went smoothly. Even getting gas went off without a hitch, and usually I end up having to go in because my card hates the gas pumps. 

Something was very wrong, and I had no idea. 

When I got up yesterday, I wanted to stay in bed all day long, but I didn’t want it to lead to another battle with depression. So, I forced myself to get dressed and live life, instead of letting it just pass me by. 

I wish I had listened to myself. 

On my way home, I went the same route I always do. I wanted to avoid the highway because, you know…accidents. 

I drove past the police station, high school and nursing home, then turned left. Drove by the church, the run down building I want to turn into a book store and the tavern right next door. 

I was almost home…about five minutes away. 

There was a car in front of me, and another car at the end of a side street on my right. It was a goldish/brown Oldsmobile, with a white male wearing a hoodie, and a beard. He looked my way, looked right, and then started to pull out to make his left turn right as I was approaching him. Before I knew it, he wasn’t stopping…he continued to make his turn as if my car didn’t even exist. 

No one was in the oncoming lane of traffic, so I swerved as hard as I could. In my mind’s eye, I felt the impact of his front passenger side colliding with the rear passenger side of my car. I saw my car spinning, possibly flipping over, and my son being lost and left on his own until someone figured out what to do with him…how to contact his father. I saw our lives flash before my eyes and I began shaking uncontrollably. 

I couldn’t breathe. 

It wasn’t from my asthma. It was my anxiety, and it all happened in the blink of an eye. 

I pulled over right away. I couldn’t regain control over my breathing, my mind was racing, I was crying, and my hands…my whole body…would NOT stop shaking. I tried deep breaths. I tried redirecting my thinking. I even tried changing the music on the radio to something more calming. Grounding myself didn’t even work. 

Then, it dawned on me. 

I was fine. My son was fine. No one got hurt…thank God. 

So, I took a deep breath (still shaking), put my blinker on, checked if the lane was clear, then I pulled into traffic and drove home. 

I couldn’t afford to get myself some weed this month, so I had no anxiety medicine. No way to calm down my nervous system and stop the shaking, other than riding it out. 

That was the worst part about the whole thing. When the situation is completely over and all of the disgusting feelings linger longer than is necessary. When just the thought of getting in my car makes my heart race and my hands shake. 

 Now imagine feeling that a million times every second of every day for almost twelve years. 

That’s just a glimpse of what CPTSD can feel like. 

Imagine adding visual flashbacks of every traumatic event you’ve ever experienced in your life to the physical symptoms I described above. Imagine what that must be like to live with every time you even see something as simple as a cauliflower in the grocery store. 

That’s what happens when I’m triggered, and that’s what I fear every time I walk out the door of my comfy home. 

I should have stayed in bed yesterday, but I didn’t let that stop me from leaving the house today. 

The fear will never leave me, but I will never let it stop me from living my life. 

Love Endures

I see so many people posting memes and saying things like “I want this”, “why can’t this be us”, and “my boo doesn’t do this for me” and it irritates the fuck outta me. I spent an entire marriage, a pretty good marriage, wishing for my husband to be like other guys. What I should have been doing was appreciating MY husband for what he did for me. 

The grass is always greener. If you’re looking at other couples and being jealous, it’s probably because you’re too blind to see that you have exactly what you want right in front of you. What you’re too ignorant to realize is that your love looks different than others, because you’re different people than those who you’re jealous of. 

Their story is different. Their love is different. Their personalities are different. They have different lifestyles. 

None of that means that you don’t have the same kind of love as they do. So stop and think about YOUR love. Stop and think about how YOUR love is awesome. Stop and think about how YOUR love is loyal to the end. Stop and think about how YOUR love is everything you want and need. Then embrace it for what it is and never let that shit go. 

If you don’t open your eyes and pay attention to what’s in front of you, then you’re going to miss out on something beautiful. Love isn’t peaches & roses when you’re first starting out. Love is hard. Love will test you in ways you never imagined. Love will push you to your limits…and then push you some more. Love is a choice you make every single day. Love takes hard work. Love takes honest & open communication. Love takes trust. Love takes time. 

It takes time to build up to those extravagant proposals you see posted online. It takes time to build up to the comfort level you desire. It takes time to earn everything you want *right now*. 

Most of all…love endures. 

Love the person who is right in front of you, NOT the person you want them to be. If you want that person to change this and that about them, then you’re better off loving them without you. Don’t try to change the person, because that’s not TRUE love. True love doesn’t try to change anyone. True love says “I love you as you are.”