Hello all! It has been a while since I’ve posted, and I do apologize for that. Life has been happening, and so much has changed. However, what brings me to you today is what happened to me the other day…Tuesday to be precise. To preface this, this day started off basically okay. Once again, I had to deal with some other bitch fucking up my day, so I figured I’d vent to my boyfriend just to get it off my chest. His response was the catalyst to the rest of the day. (It was all misunderstanding on his part, as it is difficult to portray tone over text.) I wrote about it on a page I have on Facebook called “I Am Thor, He Is My Hammer,” and its contents is what follows. I will, also, include my posts from yesterday & today. I will probably continue doing that every day as it gives me an outlet to express my experience, because someone else out there might need to hear my words if they’re experiencing the same thing, and it will give another perspective for those who don’t know anything about it other than what you read about it in the media.
March 10, 2015:
Today has been an interesting day. It started off pretty great, then went to shit in the blink of an eye. All of a sudden, my mind is racing, my chest hurts, and flashes of that horrible day begin flooding my brain. (This is a military related thing, so I’ll spare you all the gory details.)
It was Veteran’s Day in 2013, when I had my first flashback. The trigger was something commonplace and unnoticeable to most anyone in attendance. I was at a Veteran’s Day parade in my home town, and there was always a little after thing at the Baptist church. The Commander of the Ambulance Corps always leads the ceremony, and acknowledges the local veterans.
Something about one of the veterans announcing where he was stationed & his service dates caused my mind to go back to the single most significant moment in my Navy career. It is the only one that I can remember in great detail, and it’s the only one I wish I could forget.
So, here I am, sitting at the kitchen table, just staring. All I can see is “the bad thing,” and I can’t make it stop. Then, the other thoughts/stressors enter my mind, and before I know it I crying uncontrollably. At that moment, I felt completely helpless, lost, beyond comprehension, and beyond reality. I had finally reached my breaking point and I did something that should have been done on November 11, 2013. I picked up the phone, and dialed the number to the VA. When they asked why I needed to see a doc, I told them that I think I have PTSD, then told them what happened. For the first time in about 10 years, I formally asked for help on my own, I didn’t worry about speaking formally, and I wasn’t afraid of being broken. Most importantly, I was heard.
The most important step is always the first. Challenge completed.
March 11, 2015:
Well, this is day 2 and I’m feeling a tiny bit better. I have zero motivation, zero want or drive to smile or be happy, zero want or need to be miserable or pissed off. I’m just…here. My heart feels heavy, but I’m not sad. It’s a very strange feeling, really. My anxiety is sky high, yet all I want to do is sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll call the VA again to follow up on me seeing a doctor. I don’t like feeling like this.
March 12, 2015:
Okay, so today is day #3. So far, I’m doing okay. I’ve had a few cups of coffee, gotten laundry going, vacuumed a little, and taken care of Hammer’s meds (he just needed his script filled). The best part about today is the conversation I had with a friend of mine who needed some help figuring out how to go about beginning the process to write for money. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE talking to people about writing. Everything about it gets me excited. To see (or read) someone excited about writing, using words for their creative outlet, the process, finding their own process, etc. makes me so happy! It also motivates me to stay focused on my educational goals. When the person I’m talking to is so inspired that they begin writing right away, or I see their published book for sale, that is the best reward I could ever hope for. This is why I’m in school. I’ve always wanted to help people find what inspires them, then help them put it into words. Although I can do that with my friends (thanks, guys wink emoticon ), I know there are many more people who need/want the same thing. What I really want, though, is to be able to help those who want to use writing as their therapy…and make some money doing so.
So today, right now, I am happy-er than I was yesterday and the day before. It doesn’t hurt to smile or laugh, and doing so doesn’t make me want to break down in tears…so far. Fingers, toes, and everything else crossed in hopes that it stays this way…or gets better.
I hope you all are having a good day today. If not, tell the world to fuck off, then do what makes YOU happy 🙂